Captain Heroic vs. Professor Ubel
The world was once again safe from the clutches of evil thanks to Captain Heroic, the most powerful super hero in the world, and his loyal sidekick, Hero Lad. Having thwarted the devious plans of Professor Ubel for the second time that month, Captain Heroic had earned a little rest and relaxation.
In the city of Metropolitan, Captain Heroic was doing just that; relaxing with several other super heroes as he shared the tale of his latest adventure over a few too many drinks and even more laughs.
“Ok. Ok. Ok. Where was I? Oh, that’s right. So Professor Ubel has me strapped to this funky tilting table and I’m more or less standing with these scary looking Frankenstein-like lab electro towers on each side of me. I can’t move and can’t really turn my head far enough to get a shot at the towers with my laser sight. I’m thinking that Professor Ubel has finally gotten his act together and my goose is cooked,” Captain Heroic said with a chuckle.
Captain Heroic was what you would expect from the world’s greatest hero. He had short, golden hair and perfectly tanned skin, and as always he was dressed in his red, white, and blue tights and cape. Despite the years of saving people and stopping disasters, he looked pristine and flawless like a god among men. And to this day, no one knows what he is a captain in.
Captain Heroic continued his story, “Now Professor Ubel has won; he just hasn’t realized that yet. All he has to do is turn on his contraption and I’m pretty sure I’m toast. I am guessing it is probably just a simple push of a button or pull of a lever, but doesn’t happen.”
“Don’t tell me. He did it again?” questioned The Kiwi. Kiwi, as in the flightless bird, was your common vigilante crime fighter without any real powers whom walked the thin line between justice and injustice. He is also known for having some of the worst luck of anyone in the hero business; topped only by the bad luck of his sidekicks, all of whom seem to die within twenty-four hours of starting the job. The Kiwi hasn’t had a sidekick applicant since Winged Boy was hit by a bus of nuns a couple years ago.
“What did he do?” questioned Mudwasp, as he downed another shot of concentrated sugar water. As the newest member of the Collective of Supers, Mudwasp still had a lot to learn and was still without his own arch nemesis to battle.
“The Monologue!” the room exclaimed in a drunken slur.
“Professor Ubel starts talking and talking and talking. He goes on about his latest plans for world domination and how he is going to use his latest death ray to hold the people hostage. Then he starts on how there is nothing I can do about it because my time is up. If it wasn’t for my outstanding constitution, I swear his monologues would have killed me years ago. Before I realize it, he’s telling me how much he has enjoyed our duels and how he almost considered me an equal.”
“How’d you ever survive?” asked Nauticus who really didn’t care about Captain Heroic’s story. Nauticus, whose biggest claim to hero fame was the ability to breathe underwater, was only there for the free drinks that flowed any time Captain Heroic got into story telling mood. This was a nightly occurrence which was a good thing since Nauticus drank like a fish and free booze was the best kind.
Captain Heroic quickly slammed two shots before continuing.
“Well, we all know how Professor Ubel gets once he gets started. He tunes everything out. I swear he gets off on hearing himself talk. It gets bad sometimes. Once he went off on the cost of tea in China and the economics of it. He even had graphs and charts. This time wasn’t any different. He didn’t even notice that Hero Lad had snuck into the room and was practically hiding in front of him.
This reminds me, I need to make a toast. To Hero Lad, greatest sidekick a guy could have. Always knows what needs to be done. And… And… Did I ever tell you guys about the time when…”
“Captain Heroic!” interrupted Amazing Girl.
“Yes, Amazing Girl? You know you look really hot today.”
Amazing Girl was considered one of the most beautiful in all the history of super heroes and the object of many a man’s desire. She sported a skin tight costume that accentuated her large, barely covered breasts and was notorious for playing the ditzy blonde. Despite how easy she appeared, none of the super heroes had managed to take her to bed. Though the rumor going around was Mistress Justice and she hooked up at the New Year’s party which only made her more desirable to the others.
“Thanks, I think. But I was going to say one story at a time. You were telling us about your last encounter with Professor Ubel.”
“You are absolutely right. Ok so Hero Lad… He’s my best friend forever by the way. He is really cool and funny. Anyways, Hero Lad creeps out of the shadows while Professor Ubel is off on his tangent and I am wondering how we are going to pull this off without getting killed. That’s when Hero Lad pulled out his trusty Hero Shield, though I think it looks more like a Hero Frisbee, and he signals me to use my laser sight. Now I am going to tell you why Hero Lad is so great because I still can’t wrap my head around it. I shot my laser sight at the shield and he managed to reflect the beams in two different directions and hit both of those towers. Hero Lad is cool like that. Before Professor Ubel knows what’s happening… BOOM! By the time the smoke had cleared, Hero Lad has me freed and Professor Ubel did what he does best; he disappeared. No worries though because the world is once again safe. Now who wants jell-o shots?”
“No more for me. I am calling it a night. Amazing Girl, can you give me a ride home? I don’t think I am in much of a walking, let alone driving, capacity.” slurred Hero Lad.
“Sure. We can’t have you getting another DUI. I should head out myself.”
Hero Lad stumbled and swayed his way out the door with the help of Amazing Girl. “See you later, Heroic. ‘Night guys.”
After the bar door was securely shut, Amazing Girl made sure no one was around as she gave Hero Lad a quick kiss. “I think it’s time I get you into my bed so you better sober up, my little hero.”
“Who you calling little?”
#
Hours earlier, Professor Ubel was making his way through the secret tunnel that led to his evil lair while contemplating his latest defeat by Captain Heroic. So deep in thought it wasn’t until he walked into the wall that it dawned on him that all the lights in the place were turned off. Had he forgotten to pay the bill again or was something else going on?
“Hello? Henchman One? Henchman Two? Anyone there? I need someone to drive me to my appointment. You know I can’t drive.”
He called out several more times as he worked his way through his lair trying to track down his missing minions.
It was in a note on the refrigerator that he found his answer as to what was going on and were his henchmen had gone.
Dear Boss,
The boys and I feel that we have progressed in our careers as far as you can take us. We have all enjoyed our time under your employment, but after your last defeat by Captain Heroic we feel it is time we seek employment with a more successful villain. Someone that is going somewhere and will one day actually take over the world. Maybe Dr Destruction or Mr. Mortis. Take care, Boss.
Sincerely,
Henchman One
P.S. The power company called about a past due payment.
“Damnit. Now I have to walk to the doctors.”
#
After a long and tiring walk to his therapist’s place, Professor Ubel was discussing his latest interaction with Captain Heroic. “Dr. Channing, I don’t think you are giving this your all. I am not convinced you really want to help me. What kind of therapist doesn’t want to help? Do I have to test out my new toy on you and turn you into goo? And what the hell are you scribbling down on that pad?”
Dr. Channing placed the writing pad down so that Professor Ubel could not see the doodles he was sketching instead of the notes one would expect their therapist to take down.
“Professor Ubel, this is what I am talking about. It’s hard for me to want to help you. First, you never have an appointment. You just burst in here whenever you want and scare off my paying patients. Second, you threaten to kill me over and over again. But I am smart enough to know that you are probably going to kill me anyways.”
“You don’t know that. Ok, so yeah maybe, most likely, but it’s not a given. I kind of like you. You remind me of someone of importance in my life. I just can’t put my finger on it.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Now can we can stop talking about you and continue to talk about me?”
“Of course, you were talking about the last time you captured Captain Heroic and were going to kill him. What happened after you captured him?”
Professor Ubel got more comfortable on the couch and took a deep breath.
“I had Captain Heroic secured between the two coils of my latest genius creation, the electro pulse, yinhalozite powered de-atomizer, and he wasn’t going anywhere. All I needed to do was hit the button to turn it on and goodbye Captain Heroic.”
“Yinhalo-what?”
“Yinhalozite is crystal I believe comes from Captain Heroic’s home planet and is the one thing that can take him down a peg or two. In its presence, he is as fragile as any man but has yet to realize it. It is very rare and hard to come by these days. I have spent more money than most countries have on the stuff because every time I use it Captain Heroic or his pain in the ass sidekick destroy it; more so Hero Lad than Captain Heroic. I really hate that little twerp. Anyways, all that is ever left when he destroys my contraptions is a fine dust. What the hell am I going to do with half a ton of yinhalozite powder, ask him to snort it?”
“So why didn’t you do it? Why didn’t you just hit the button and kill him?”
“For a doctor, you’re not very bright. I can’t just kill him. If I was going to just kill him, wouldn’t I have done it all those times I managed to sedate him? No, I can’t just kill him. I have to…”
“Monologue.”
“What?”
“Professor Ubel, you monologue a lot and I mean a lot. Every time you capture Captain Heroic or anyone else, you go into one of your monologues and always tell the good guy way too much. It is really boring. How did Heroic beat you that one time in the Andes? I’ll tell you. The entire time he was in your clutches, you talked nonstop about how you were going to kill him and how he couldn’t stop you because of this and that. You even told him exactly how to beat you. I swear you like to hear yourself talk.”
The doctor continued his rant, getting louder as he went on.
“Not that you could kill Captain Heroic anyways. I am not saying you don’t have the means, but I think you are afraid to commit to it. You don’t know what you will do once he is dead so you set yourself up for failure. You wouldn’t know how to move on with your life. You probably get some kind of sick perverted joy from losing to Heroic. You are worse than a scared little boy. And what is with the lab coat and crazy hair. Get a haircut and buy a damn suit. You look like a slob.”
“Dr., you will not live to regret that. I grow tired of you bashing me. You are just like Captain Heroic and since I have to get new henchmen then I might as well find myself a new therapist.”
Professor Ubel withdrew a pistol-like weapon from his lab coat and pointed it at his therapist. When the pulse from the gun hit the doctor, he let out a silent scream of fake agony. The only thing the gun managed to do was to eat a hole in Dr. Channing’s suit revealing his true identity as Captain Heroic.
“Damnit! You were supposed to be goo. Stupid gun and stupid know-it-all super hero. It’s not enough for you to torment me at work; you have to mess with my personal life as well. I hate you.” Professor Ubel got up from the couch and stormed out of the room.
“You are such a pain and a whiner and now I have to get a new secret identity. And you know what? I’m still going to bill you for a full session. You are just lucky I believe in doctor/patient confidentiality because I bet the other heroes would love to hear how you used to wet the bed,” Heroic yelled after him.
#
The next morning Hero Lad woke up feeling as if someone had put his head in a vise and was trying to get his eyes to pop out of his skull. His vision was really blurry as he fought to focus on anything, but it just made his head hurt more. And why were his ears ringing?
He didn’t remember drinking that much last night. No, he was positive he didn’t have that much to drink. Plus this wasn’t the normal “you had too much to drink” hangover headache. It was really close to a “that hooker spiked my drink and stole my money”, but he was a one girl man now and it was more like a “you’ve been drugged and abducted yet again because you’re a sidekick” headache. And he was tied to a chair. Crap. It was a “you’ve been drugged and abducted yet again because you’re a sidekick” headache. Someone must have nabbed him outside his apartment after he left Amazing Girl’s place.
“I see that you are finally awake.”
“Damn it, Ubel. What the hell? Can’t you abduct me without giving me a headache? You’re supposed to be some kind of genius, not that your track record shows that. What do you want this time? Didn’t we just kick your butt? Don’t you need to go and lick your wounds or something for a bit before you start your usual shit again?”
“Kind of mouthy for a captive aren’t you?”
In his best sarcastic, little kid’s voice, Hero Lad replied, “Oh Professor Ubel, please don’t hurt me. You will never get away with this. Captain Heroic will stop you.”
“Smart ass. I am just glad you understand how this works. It saves us time. Contact Captain Heroic so he can come to your rescue.”
“Good. The sooner we get this done and Heroic kicks your ass, the sooner I can take something for this splitting headache and get some sleep. So, where am I?”
“An old abandoned warehouse.”
“Figures. You need better taste. Hand me my phone. Oh and I must say, you need to do something with your hair. How many times have you been zapped by your own contraptions? You look like you stuck your figure in a socket.”
“Everyone’s a critic.”
Hero Lad fought past his headache long enough to contact Captain Heroic and go through the motions. Having made similar calls many times in the last few years, his voice flat and monotone during the call.
“Hey Heroic, it’s me. Yeah, last night was a blast. Dude, you don’t have a chance with her. Just give it up. Dude, I heard Mistress Justice and her are a thing now. Yeah. I heard they hooked up at the New Year’s party. No, Heroic I gave up going to Madame Yang’s. I tried to, but got side tracked. Well, more like kidnapped. Yeah I know. Who do you think it was? I know. You would think he would be still trying to recover from last time. Let me ask. Hey, Ubel, does he need to come here to kick your butt or are you going to move this to someplace else?”
“I don’t know. I guess here since things are already set up.”
“Come on. Make up your mind. I want to get this over with so I can get back to bed.”
“Yes. Tell him he can find you here, Pier 12.”
“You catch that, Heroic. See you in a few.”
Hero Lad hung up the phone and handed it back to Professor Ubel.
“I cannot thank you enough for your help. You have made things so much easier for me now that Captain Heroic is coming to me. It is so hard to set a trap when you have to go to your prey. I know we have already been over this, but go ahead and say it.”
“Say what?”
“You know you want to say it. You and your ilk live to say it so go ahead.”
“Who says ilk these days or ever?”
“Come on just say it.”
“You will never get away with this.”
“That’s it and of course I will, but you won’t be around this time to find out.”
“What are you talking about?” That’s when Hero Lad noticed the distinct humming of a generator starting up and the buildup of electricity. “What the hell?”
The force of electricity coursing through the chair and into Hero Lad made him spasm and convulse causing every hair on his head to stick up. He managed a short scream before his eyes went blank with the loss of consciousness and the flow of the current stopped.
“Hope I didn’t kill him. Then I wouldn’t be able to tell him that he was right about my hair. If it looks anything like his does, damn I must look funny. Now to wait for Heroic to show.”
#
For the thousandth time, Captain Heroic was glad he wasn’t human like everyone else. If he was, he would have probably died from all the alcohol he drank the night before, he definitely wouldn’t have been able to deal with whomever the days evil would be and yet another “take over the world” scheme.
Captain Heroic got up out of bed, still wearing it trademark red, white, and blue costume, and stretched to work out the sleep. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt today was going to be a good day. Professor Ubel was put out of commission again and that normally bought Heroic a couple days of ease.
Then the phone rang.
“World’s greatest super hero, Captain Heroic, speaking. Hero Lad, morning. Wasn’t last night fun? I almost got Amazing Girl back to my place. I was so close. Are you sure? Damn. Did you at least make it to Madame Yang’s for some of your own fun? Again, you really need to work on that. So, who grabbed you this time? Seriously? I didn’t think we would see Professor Ubel for at least a week. Well, I guess we should get this over with. Where do I go to get you? I got that. I should be there shortly.”
#
Captain Heroic arrived at the warehouse about an hour and a half after hearing from Hero Lad. He could have made the trip from across town in a fraction of the time, but he stopped to put out a fire, rescue a kid from a well, and help a little old lady cross the street. This was just another day at the office for him.
Most days were much of the same though. First Professor Ubel or some other villain starts working towards taking over or destroying the world. The good guys find out about it and nine out of ten times somebody gets captured; someone always gets captured or kidnapped. Then the good guys foil the villain’s plans and the cycle starts over again. One of these days, Captain Heroic was going to have to put Professor Ubel away for good. Dealing with him all the time was starting to become a hassle.
Using his x-ray vision, Heroic tried to look into the warehouse to locate Professor Ubel, Super Lad, or any other surprises that might be waiting for him. Unfortunately, the majority of the building had been lined with lead which prevented Heroic from getting a look inside.
“Where do these villains find all this lead? Next time I need to find a villain’s lair, I will start my search at the refinery and ask about their lead shipments. It should either lead me to the villain or the hospital,” Heroic chuckled.
When Captain Heroic entered the warehouse, it was practically pitch black between a lack of visible lights and a thick cloud of dust that floated through the area. Before he could get a feel for the place using the light coming in from the open door, the door slammed shut behind him. Blinding white light lit up the room so intense that Captain Heroic could not tell where it was coming from.
“Hello, Heroic. Glad you could join me.”
Captain Heroic could barely make out Professor Ubel in the light, but he looked different.
“Professor Ubel, is that really you?”
“Do you like the hair and what about the suit? It’s Armani or some fancy thing like that. It was suggested by my therapist that I needed a change, but you know that. I finally realized you may be right. Too bad my gun didn’t kill you in a not so pleasant way. Then the suggestion was seconded by the late Hero Lad. So, here I am, a changed man.”
“What did you say about Hero Lad?”
“I said I killed him and boy was it messy. There were brains all over the place. No I didn’t. You are so gullible. I didn’t kill your sidekick, but he is out of commission for the time being. Did you know he and that big breast heroine, Amazing Girl, have been a thing for a few months now. Damn he is lucky.”
Captain Heroic started to lunge at Professor Ubel, but there was no strength behind his movements and instead he fell flat on his face.
“Did I forget to mention that I finally figured out a use for the yinhalozite dust I am left with every time you destroy one of my machines? I am cycling it through the air in this room so take a few more deep breathes for me. It has already coated your skin and entered your body. Not too sure what the affect will be on me. Maybe I will get cancer or give me super powers. Either way, it is so worth it. You are powerless and helpless now. I win.”
“You won’t get away with this.”
“What? Will Hero Lad stop me? Funny thing, Hero Lad said something similar before I shut him up. Now I just have to figure out how to dispose of him properly. Maybe I will give him a frontal lobotomy.”
“I’ll kill you. I’ll KILL you! I’LL KILL YOU!”
“I’m sorry old friend, you got that wrong,” stated Professor Ubel. He removed a small handgun from inside his suit coat as he did in the doctor’s office and leveled it with Captain Heroic’s face.
Heroic’s eyes opened wide a fraction of a second after the trigger was pulled and before the bullet struck him in the head. For the death of the greatest super hero, it wasn’t very impressive.
“Damn, that shit really sucked away your powers. I didn’t think that would actually work. Henchmen, take him away… Crap, forgot they quit. Note to self: get new henchmen and punish the old ones.”
#
Little Mikey put down his Captain Heroic and Hero Lad action figures and glanced at his Official Captain Heroic Fan Club watch. It was two to three and the Captain Heroic Action Show was about to start. Mickey never missed an episode and today was not going to be different.
Holding his arm out in front of him, Mikey ran through the house to the TV room; pretending to fly just like his hero. Flopping down on the couch, Mikey grabbed the remote and flipped to the channel just in time for the opening credits to start.
The Captain Heroic symbol flashed on the screen and the theme music started. Mikey was so excited. Today, Captain Heroic was going to read off the names of fan club members who were having their birthdays soon. Captain Heroic was going to read off Mikey’s name. He could hardly wait.
Before the theme song finished though, the sound started to fade in and out. The screen filled with static and started to go black.
“Mom, I think the TV is broke!”
The static started to clear and instead of Captain Heroic, Mikey stared at the image of Professor Ubel with his new hair cut. Mikey didn’t know why, but he didn’t think this was part of the show.
When they had “Professor Ubel” on the Captain Heroic Action Show, he always looked a little fake and that didn’t fool a true Captain Heroic fan like Mikey. This guy was different though. He was real, too real. Mikey didn’t like this at all.
Then he spoke.
“People of the world, I have defeated your super hero. Bow before me or at least grovel a little.”
The screen changed again and Mikey just looked on in shock. Over and over again, the last moment of Captain Heroic’s life as a super hero looped on the screen. Each time it started over, Mikey felt more and more emptiness inside.
Removing his homemade cape, Mikey used it to wipe away his tears as he left the room. He walked back to his room and closed the door without looking back at the TV.
He once wanted to be a fireman or police office so he could help people and maybe be just like Captain Heroic, but not anymore. Captain Heroic was weak and defeated; not by brawn, but brains. He needed to start now. He needed to learn everything he could. He needed to become a genius, an evil genius.
[...] Captain Heroic vs Professor Ubel [...]