Help Wanted

Vehicles of all shapes and sizes from those that road on wheels to the ones that hovered shot up and down the eight lanes at insane speeds. So close were these machines to each other, most people couldn’t tell where one machine ended and another began until traffic stopped which was in the process of happening.

The indicator flashed that it was time to cross the extremely busy street and the crowd flooded into the crosswalk. Everyone moved at an unnatural speed because it was a well know fact that the lights at crossings always changed three seconds before you reached the other side and no one wanted to become road kill. The difficult part was that crowds came at each other from both sides of the road, melding in the middle into one big mess. Those that were unable to push themselves against the oncoming force could very well forced back to were they started from.

In the midst of the crowd, one figure stood out. Well, he stood out as much as one could in a crowd of humans, androids, cyborgs, mutants, blobs, various humanoid races, and all other manner of species from the far reached of the galaxy.

He stood over six feet tall and had a slender build. From head to toe he had the look of one of those ancient Earth pirates to include the tricorn hat and captain’s coat. Everything was in black for the most part from the boots that came up to his knees to his shirt. The only things not black were the sash he wore wrapped around his waist and under his belt and the silver, skull buttons on his coat.

In his mind, he was the epitome of what a pirate should look like. Not that he had even seen one or ever been to Earth for that matter, but that wasn’t important. He was proud of how he looked and was ready for a life space piracy. If only he could get a crew together.

Lost in thought about his impending crew, he almost missed the warning that the time to cross was almost up and traffic would once again start to flow. And nothing, but traffic lights stopped traffic. He quickened his pace as much as he could while trying to wedge his self through the flood of pedestrians.

The pirate stepped onto the curb just as the indicated flashed the “Do Not Cross” symbol. He looked back to see a large green and purple gelatin-like mass still in the crosswalk mere moments from getting up close and intimate with a large cargo transporter. This wasn’t going to be pretty. The transporter didn’t even slow as the blob exploded against the front of the vehicle showering the road, cars, and pedestrians in green and purple slime.

The pirate removed his hat, exposing his buzz cut black hair with traces of grey on the sides, to swipe the goo away. It felt like he had blown his nose into his hand and quickly flicked it onto the ground.

“Thanks bud,” said a deep voice.

Looking around, he couldn’t figure out who was talking or if they were talking to him.

“Down here.”

He looked down to find a miniature version of the road killed blob looking up at him with its single blue eye. The goo he removed from his hat was being absorbed into the mass increasing the creature’s size slightly. When it finished, a second blue eye appeared.

“That’s so much better. At least I can see right. Thanks again for returning my eye. Name’s Frank.”

“I’m SqueekyFoot, but one of these days the galaxies will know my as the Dread Pirate SqueekyFoot.”

“Good luck with that and thanks again,” Frank said before he started to slime back into the flow of the crowd.

SqueekyFoot turned the opposite direction and headed down the block into the heart of the city’s business district though it is hard to tell this part of the city from any other part since the city as a whole was one large business mecca.

Taking up eighty-nine percent of the land Tyac City was the only city on Tyac Prime in the Tyac System and served as the largest intergalactic business hubs in this part of the universe. The rest of the land was spared from develop only because they had not figured out the best way to build in the volcanic region of the planet simply known as the Volcanic Region.

The Tyacian home world became a center for business simply because of their great skill at making rules, regulating things, and accounting, but not for their originality as demonstrated in how well they name things. Every major business had an office, branch, or headquarters in Tyac City because everything was so regulated it was hard to get ripped off. They even managed to enforce regulations in the local black market.

SqueekyFoot stopped in front of one of the largest buildings on the planet. The base of the building was the size of three city blocks and when he looked up, the top of the building just disappeared into the clouds. In one story high gold letters read The Depeso Group across the front of the building. This was his stop.

The Depeso Group was the universe’s largest classifieds, personals, messaging, delivery, and ad companies. If you need to get something, whether it be some kind of message or physical object, to someone or everyone, the best way was through The Depeso Group. They had comm. channel access, circulars, fliers, couriers, and even messages in bottles. It was the perfect place to start one’s search for a crew, even for a pirate.

Stepping through the large glass double doors at the entrance, SqueekyFoot found himself in a small room with no exit. On the floor was a large red circle. In the center of the circle were written the statement “STAND HERE!” With nowhere to go and nothing better to do, he complied with the demands of the circle.

“Welcome to The Depeso Group, the universes greatest classifieds, personals, messaging, delivery, and advertising company. Please state the purpose of your visit so that I may transfer you in the correct office.”

“I want to place a help wanted ad. Wait, did you just say transfer me? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I will now transfer you to the correct department. Please refrain from any movement until the transfer is complete. And thank you for choosing The Depeso Group.”

Fear of not knowing what would happen caused SqueekyFoot to freeze and not even blink as a bright white light filled the room. When the light fade, he was no longer in the little room, but was instead at the end of the longest line he had even seen.

This just wasn’t going to do. He had a crew to find, start plundering ships and star ports, and make a name for himself. He didn’t have time to stand in line from old age while waiting to post an ad, but what to do? And then it hit him.

He rummaged through a hidden pocket in the inside of his coat for a few minutes. Inter-dimensional pockets were great for storing anything and everything, but not always the easiest to find something once you put it in the pocket. He knew a guy that once crawled into a one such pocket and was never seen again.

After a few more minutes, SqueekyFoot found what he was looking for and pulled it out of the pocket. It was a small, black badge wallet. He flipped it open to display an impressively shiny badge on one side and an equally impressive official looking photo ID with the word INSPECTOR printed in bold.

Holding his shiny badge up high, SqueekyFoot pushed is way through the line all the while loudly repeat your typical official lines like “Inspector coming through,” “Pardon me, Line Inspector,” and “Move before I have you vaporized.”

He had made his way all the way through most of the line until he hit an obstacle that stopped his advancement. It was one of the toughest obstacles anyone could ever have the misfortune of coming across, a Dreki.

A foot taller than SqueekyFoot and solid muscle, this particular Dreki was a prime example of the race. Dreki are what a human would describe as the lizard men of the universe with scales, lizard-like head, and one dangerous tail. Not that the rest of a Dreki wasn’t dangerous with their sharp claws, razor like teeth, and blood thirst; it’s just most forget about the tail.

The scales of this one were a lovely rust color and SqueekyFoot thought they complimented its green eyes well, but would never make such an observation out loud as Dreki were notoriously short tempered and didn’t take compliments well. Besides, he wasn’t in the mood to get eaten today.

It was still another hour or so before SqueekyFoot made it to the front of the line. Hopefully the rest of this trip would conclude quickly.

“Next customer to Window 1283, please,” crackled the overhead loudspeaker.

“What a sexy voice,” he said to himself as stepped out from his place in the line in front of Window 1 and started his way to Window 1283; a line he was glad to finally be away from.

A few minutes later, he stood in front of Window 1283 looking at what he felt had to be one of the ugliest things he had ever laid eyes on and he had seen a lot in his travels through the galaxy. Mere words failed to express the nauseating appearance of what was in front of him.

“Name?” it asked.

At least she still had a sexy voice he thought. Well, he hoped it was female. It was hard to tell with some species. He once made his move on a “girl” only to find out that it was the male of the species. Those three months in a body cast seemed like eternity.

“SqueekyFoot,” he replied.

“Squeaky Foot?”

“Two E’s, no space, but capital F. S-q-u-e-e-k-y-F-o-o-t.”

“Nature of the ad?”

“I am looking for brave souls willing to traverse the unknown reaches of the galaxy in search of adventure, treasure, and glory, all while forming bonds of family and brotherhood under my expertise guidance and tutorage.”

“Wages?”

“Everyone gets their cut of the booty.”

“Commission then. Benefits?”

“What?”

“Benefits. You know medical, dental, vacation time… benefits.”

“Oh, I don’t know.”

“Benefits negotiable.”

“Contact information.”

“Open interviews being held at Dock Bay 834. By the way, how much is this going to run me?”

“Well, your standard deluxe ad package running for a week via all the popular circulations, vid feeds, and comm. channels will run you about this much. Remember the deluxe package is our standard. We do have a super deluxe packages that much offers more.”

I figured flashed up on the window in front of SqueekyFoot and he could have sworn his heart stopped for a second.

“That’s your standard package,” he gasped. “You got anything in the neighborhood of let’s say…” He fumbled around in one of his pockets and pulled out a few coins, a gun wrapper, some lint, and a free all you can eat buffet voucher. “…this.”

The creature snatched up the buffet voucher with a tentacle like appendage and stuck it in a drawer.

“I can get you an ad stating ‘Pirate captain looking for crew. Dock 834’ and post it in a few restrooms of some the seedier parts of the city, but that’s all I can do. Take it or leave it. That work for you?”

“Well, if you put it that way… yes.”

“This concludes our interaction. Please have a nice day and we look forward to servicing you again in the future. Please refrain from movement until the transfer is complete.”